Someone asked me, “What frustrates you these days?”
Looking back in the past six months of the year, aside from not losing some weight despite of intermittent fasting, which I started since February (or losing some, then went on plateau, then gaining some again), what really frustrates me these days is the fact that I can’t not care. I wanted to care for the people around me but I’m really having some issues on expressing to the point that it seems like I’m forcing myself to show compassion to them. This makes me withdraw to people that I resorted on not reading messages for days and declining invites for meet up, or conversing and meeting up with very limited individuals or group of friends.
I’m still in the process of healing, I admit. I’m glad that I already overcame those fears and anxieties that have been my companion during the first quarter of the year in terms of my safety and protection. I already published some blogs as I made great efforts to just write whatever comes to my mind for the sake of getting back to my self. I’m on my way to finishing another kdrama, just like the old times. I kept my social media accounts active instead of being on total hiatus and isolation.
For the past six months, I thank the people who have been patient with me and understand me for what I am going through. Many of them do not know exactly what’s happening to me as they also have their own battles and challenges, and yes, the same people whom I cannot show enough concern like I am used to.
There’s this person actually in my closest circle who’s sick and undergoing medical procedures lately, sending me results of his lab tests and confiding unto me about his distress for what will take place in the coming days and months. This same encounter was the very beginning of why I am sort of having some trauma about caring for other people. But I think the nature of a person will always prevail despite all the uneasiness brought by past betrayal and lies, that’s why I keep on checking him. Hard, yes, but it’s harder not to check. He’s been a friend for more than a decade, anyway.
I read this somewhere and I can relate in many ways:
Do not change your nature simply because someone harms you. Do not lose your good heart, but learn to take precautions.
I’m still having some trust issues, please bear with me. I still feel that there are people who are connected to me that are lying to me big time or can betray me anytime, or people who are actually betraying me now. Reason why I’m not in the perfect shape to invest emotions to anyone. Also, I’ve experienced being blocked by someone who’s confiding to me before and asked for my advises as someone who’s full of wisdom daw, but turned out wanting to hear only what she wants to hear. Might write a separate blog on this one.
Aside from these, I am genuinely happy. Those laughter you’ve heard from the recent podcast episodes are sincere (search Coffee Na Lang Dear in Spotify). Those smiles you’ve seen in my IG posts and simple joys I’ve shared in my IG stories are real. I can’t thank enough those people who stayed by my side in times that I wanted to be alone.
And for others, I may not show how much I care. You might not hear anything from me that could inspire you or uplift your spirit. I might having a hard time to express but I am praying for you, just tell me how I could pray for you. Funny how I always say to not just exist but live significantly, but right now, I just wanted to exist… or maybe live significantly for certain people.
Again, my apologies.