Christian Walk · Life Lessons

I Am Okay… Or Am I Not?

Journal Entry
July 21, 2017 – noon

It’s already the third day of CCF Midyear Prayer & Fasting week. I’m in the comfort of my yellow sweater but feels cold in my knees wearing my black ripped jeans. It’s raining like crazy outside the office. Munching this short-dated Ritter Sport Whole Almond Chocolate before lunch break ends, I am scribbling down with a question, “Lord, what’s your main message to me?”

I’ve been going to the Night Watch for two consecutive days, been depriving myself from eating rice since Monday, avoiding KDramas and all sorts of it – mainly to focus on meditating His Word and dwelling in His presence. But still, I wonder. With all the testimonies I’ve heard, promises and commands I am reminded with, what He really wanna tell me this time?

Healthy Saturday Morning

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July 21, 2017 – evening

Thanks to my friend for driving me to CCF whenever I need to go to this area. While walking inside the church from her car, I told God, “Lord, there’s really no big deal in my life now. Except that I continually pray for the salvation of every member of my family, I guess I’m good and I praise You for that. Unlike the past few years that I am hurting and feeling so much emotional pain during Prayer & Fasting Week, I thank You for Your grace and mercy for taking me out of that agony.”

Entering the worship hall, seeing Venus Raj and her friends, feeling great for the privilege of experiencing a front seat, for I know I cannot do this during Sunday services, God revealed to me…

I am okay for many reasons.

I am okay, for me to intercede for people who are not okay.

One by one, images of people dear to my heart came to my mind, and I asked God, “Lord, continue to help my dad in his battle against gambling addiction. We cannot change him. He cannot change himself, either. You, alone, can transform his life.” Not too long, I was reminded and bowed down, “Lord, I pray for healing, recovery and provision for Mama Chato and Daddy Eddie. In Your life here on Earth, You’ve healed many and You’ve even raised the dead to life. I believe in You.”

Then I thought of my best friend, Quits, and her Lola Miguela; my friend, Donna, and her whole family. I thought of my sisters in Wednesday and Friday Dgroups. I thought about my blogger friends – their wounded hearts and mental health. I thought about every group of people that God blessed me with. Everyone is dealing with something. Some are hurting. Others are battling with financial crisis. One is wailing because of relationship issues. Another is asking prayers to destroy her smoking habit. Many found themselves addicted to online games and social media, even online stalking.

As my disciples came one by one and greeted me with a kiss, I see joyful souls, but one side of hearts are crying to the Lord about an aspect of their lives and all its unfairness. I realized, I am not an exception.

Truth is, I am not okay for feeling okay.

Yes, I praise the Lord for giving me peace and for using me in many ways despite of my own brokenness. But with this feeling of being okay, I admit I neglected the idea of having a quality conversation with Him. Why? Is it because everything’s manageable?

These past few weeks, I always find myself falling into deep sleep in the middle of prayer. There was actually a time when I woke up realizing that I left the hotpack still plugged – with my Bible, journal and pen on my side. I sincerely thanked the Lord for protecting me for I could start a fire out of it.

I underestimated prayer. I neglected the power of prayer.

As Jesus exhibits Himself as the best example when it comes to praying in Mark 1:35, by getting up and leaving the house early in the morning while it is still dark and finding a solitary place to pray (Gosh, I have the whole house as my war room), I see myself as a follower only in my mind but not in my action. Too far from Him whom I committed my life into; whom I declared as my Lord; whom I said I will obey, no turning back.

This is what the Lord wanted to tell me most – to go back to the basic – to spend quality time with Him.

Because if the devil cannot break me through trials, he may destroy me through prosperity. I should not let my guard down.

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9 thoughts on “I Am Okay… Or Am I Not?

  1. You’re so right in your closing statement and it really hit me. Enemy can destroy us in our prosperity because that’s when we feel most complacent, everything’s manageable, and we think we are all in control.

    Put in the armour of God at all times.

    Liked by 1 person

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