*This is a late post.
“I’m not good in waiting. I have a talent on assuming and on moving on, but not on waiting.”
This was the exact statement I said to my friends when we were waiting for the hop-on-hop-off bus from Nami Island to Petite France. I had so many questions in my mind. Why is it so hot that day? It’s normally AC level temperature in South Korea despite of the summer season. Why is there no waiting shed? What’s taking the bus too long? Good thing we were quite skilled on having fun out of anything whenever we’re together. And so the statement above was blurted out.
I’m not really good in waiting. Like today, we were supposed to be picked up by my brother at 6 in the morning for a family getaway. But it’s already 7 and I’m beginning to be anxious.
What actually drives my anxiety? I was reminded of what has happened the night before I flew to Seoul. I totally lose my patience when I was not allowed to take out my things from my old condo. I secured the move out clearance 1-week earlier and ensured that it was signed and acknowledged by the unit owner. Yet, the paper is nowhere to be found. She said it was on my mailbox but there’s none. I did contact her but there was no response. I called the admin of the building many times, thinking it was with them but there was no response either.
I was very tired.
I was so frustrated.
I lose my temper. I shouted before the security guard out of anger.
I regret it.
I totally regret how I behaved that moment.
I was with my dad and my eldest nephew that night. I wasn’t able to protect my testimony before them. I wasn’t able to display self-control. I screamed out of disappointment – something that would never be justifiable. Ever.
So why am I anxious today? It’s because I will go again to that condo and pick up my things with my brother before we head off to the resort. Part of me is embarrassed and another part of me is scared of being rejected one more time, which might result to losing my temper again.
I asked for God’s forgiveness and I surrendered all the negative thoughts and feelings that consumes me. I asked God for His grace to allow me to settle my transaction in that condo. I asked God for a favorable result this morning. If He still wanted me to experience failure as part of my discipline, I asked God for patience.
As written in Proverbs 14:29, “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.”
I’m not good in waiting. I’m not good in handling situations that are far from what I have planned. I tend to panic on scenarios that I’ve never imagined. I want everything to fit on my expectations – the way I put it in my calendar. Sometimes, I find it hard to accept why things can’t be? Like, really?
At this point of my life, there are greater and more important occurrence that I am waiting to materialize. Taking out my things from my old condo is nothing compared to those life-changing course of events that I am looking forward to.
I need to surrender myself up again. I need Someone to take over.
I need God.
I need patience. There’s no room for displaced dependence.