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Senior Citizen, Namatay Sa Kilig Sa Aldub

Ito ang palagi kong panloko sa iyo noong una kang naospital matapos mong umubo nang umubo gawa ng kahihiyaw sa kilig isang Sabado. Malinaw pa sa ala-ala ko yung takot na naramdaman ko noong matanggap ko ang balita. It was the first time that your body gave up, though I know for a fact na malamang eh ayaw mong magpadala sa ospital. Ayaw mo kasi na ikaw ang inaalagaan o binibigyan ng importansiya.

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I saw how the physical aspect of your life deteriorates little by little. Dahil once or twice a month lang akong umuuwi, nakita ko kung paano ka unti-unting nanghina. There was a time that you stopped in the middle of the stairs while going up from the basement. I was stunned when I saw you. What if you’ll die then and there? I’m not yet prepared with that scenario. Buti na lang galing sa pharma company si Kuya Earl. He knew what to do and he assisted you until you felt better. Yup, I’m in a pharma too, but I admit that I don’t have the capacity… or rather I don’t have enough courage to run to you the moment I saw you so weak and catching your breath.

Actually, hindi ko alam kung saan ba talaga ako takot. Sa makikita kong nahihirapan ka, sa mawiwitness kong mamamatay ka o sa lungkot na mararamdaman ko while I’m on the process of accepting na wala ka na?

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You had your 2nd attack and you overcame it just like the first. Dun ka na nagdecide na umuwi ng Cagayan after series of discussion with Daddy. Ibinilin mo na igawa kita ng photo album na may pictures naming lahat. To make it more special, I made you a scrapbook. That is something new to me, but yes, I exerted a lot of effort because you asked for it. Nung hinatid ka namin sa bus station, I’m wondering if it will be the last time that I will saw you alive. Kasama mo kaming naghintay hanggang makasakay kayo ng bus and we parted ways saying our good byes. From that day onwards, sinimulan ko nang ihanda ang sarili ko sa pwedeng mangyari sayo.

You got better, Nanay. When you came back here, malakas ka na ulit. Maganda na ulit yung kulay at awra mo, like someone who has not been through a lot of hardship from the past. Pilit mo kaming inaasikaso on your own little ways. Pag sinasabi ko sayong magpahinga ka, you always tell me na nanghihina ka pag hindi ka kumikilos.

I remember the day when Daddy was rushed to the hospital last year and you also felt terrible out of stress. Tinawagan pa kita para pakalmahin ka at paulit-ulit mong sinabi sakin na alagaan namin ang Daddy. Yup, you’re still a mother, I realized. Kahit baby damulag na ang anak mo. Weeks passed at nagbubulungan pa tayong dalawa. Sabi ko sayo, “Nanay, pagalitan mo yung anak mo. Matigas ang ulo.” Sabi mo naman, “Di nga yan nakikinig sakin. Makulit talaga yan.” But then again, you reminded me to take care of him. Paulit-ulit.

Sunday morning, around 8am, nang magising ako sa text ng ate, telling me na niyaya niya si Ewa na umuwi ng Bulacan. I asked, “Why, anong meron?” Sabi ko pa, “Di pa ako naglalaba. Hehe.” As in hindi ko naisip na may nangyari sa bahay. Nung sinabi ng ate na wala ka na, wala akong naramdaman na emosyon. Instead, nag-online ako para basahin ang family group chat to know the details kung anong nangyari o kung paano nangyari. Parang wala lang. Ang tagal bago nag sink-in sa akin. Until such time that I had to call Mommy to ask kung anong kailangang bilhin sa grocery. Right after the conversation, I burst into tears. Iyak ako ng iyak. Ayaw tumigil. Parang hindi totoo. Kahit pala inihanda ko na yung sarili ko sa araw na to, masakit pa din. If you will ask me now if I’m okay, Nanay, I’m not.

Nakakalungkot, sobra. And I know that from time to time, the pain will come back. Ang iisipin ko na lang, magkikita ulit tayo many many years from now as we will worship the Lord in heaven nang magkasama. By that time, tingnan natin kung sino ang mas kulubot sating dalawa. Hehe. Now that you’re gone, be at peace, Nanay, na hindi lang Daddy ang aalagaan namin. Instead, we will take care of each other no matter what. We will surely miss you, Nanay.

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2 thoughts on “Senior Citizen, Namatay Sa Kilig Sa Aldub

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