I received two notebooks and a notepad last Christmas. They’re all personalized. Thus, I’m writing.
I was randomly browsing my journal when I saw this letter to myself, which I wrote during one of my evening quiet times. It’s a great feeling (and somewhat funny) to be reminded with the thoughts, ideas and sentiments I have in the past, which makes me realize what I’ve been through and how I overcame it.
As long as my heart feels, my mind works and my hand moves, I will continue writing… and receiving letters from my own self. 🙂
I know that you feel you are lacking some things. More than anyone else, I know and I understand that you are longing to build your own family. Sometimes you’ve been thinking if God will allow annulment on your case. Sometimes you are troubled on how will you survive or until when you will survive being alone. Sometimes you think that it could be better if it’s not him. Sometimes you think that it could be fine if you have a child. You don’t want him, actually. You don’t like him anymore. Not because of what he has done to you but because of who he is now. You know that it will be hard for you to accept the kind of person he is today – negative, proud, arrogant, disrespectful, selfish, insecure, etc. You cannot think of any positive side of him. You believe that if you were not married to him or if you will be legally separated, you may end up with someone better – someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. But you cannot imagine yourself with someone else.
In many ways, God imparts to you 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, where He commanded you as a wife, not to separate from your husband. If you did, you should remain unmarried or be reconciled to him. Sometimes you doubt this statement. Sometimes you question it. Why does God won’t allow you to marry other men? There are Christians who were annulled and remarried, you justify. But God is emphasizing to you to trust Him – that those two options are the best ones for you. You can remarry, actually. You are not forbidden. But you know that it is not God’s best option. You might fall astray if you disobey. Or you might be happy. But not with the full joy that God has to offer. His commandments and plans might be questionable, very hard to fathom and understand why. And how. But all you need to do is to obey. The truth is, obedience to God is the only remaining reason why you keep on wanting him to come back. You do not like him. You do not love him. But since God is telling you to accept him, you know you should follow. The situations and happenings might look like it’s impossible to begin with. Remember that when God seems silent, trust Him.
“God is too wise to be mistaken. God is too good to be unkind. So when you don’t understand, when you don’t see His plans and you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.”